Lawnmower parenting
Lawnmower Parents By Nicole Spector
First we had helicopter parents — the types who “hover” over their children’s every move; now, we have lawnmower parents.
Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist defines lawnmower parenting simply as: “when parents remove obstacles for their kids in hopes of setting them up to be successful.”
Jenny Grant Rankin, PhD, an educator, author, lecturer and writer, highlights just how subtly lawnmower parenting can operate. “For example, if a boy forgets his violin at home, his mom races to drop it at school so the boy doesn't have to weather the consequences, “If a girl gets in a fight, her dad yells at the principal that it was the other child's fault and refuses to hand out consequences at home.”
Bringing your kid his violin because he forgot it, or defending your kid when she’s gotten into a fight, doesn’t sound so bad to me.
This is where it gets tricky because these types of parents really do want to help, and, usually, they have no idea how potentially harmful this manner of help can be.
So, why is bringing your kid his violin harmful? In and of itself, it’s not. But making a habit of these kinds of quick fixes for your kids can be detrimental in the long term.
“These parents think they are helping their children, but [they’re] robbing kids of the chance to face obstacles, [meaning] these kids don't get practice dealing with challenges and developing healthy expectations,” Rankin says. “Kids who receive the best of everything and don’t have opportunities to practice defeat will later struggle when coping with life's messy nature. Such children are also less likely to appreciate their good fortune; gratitude is a vital ingredient for happiness.”
How do parents end up on this track of parenting?
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author, points to a number of possible reasons.
“Some parents may choose to be lawnmower parents out of a sense of obligation — as if a child should be placed in bubble wrap,” she says. “Other parents may elect this given a lack of personal balance within their own lives and a resulting channelling of all energy into the child’s life.”
Manly says that “ parents may move into this style of parenting as a result of having experienced a childhood where the parents were not protective enough — thus consciously or unconsciously being overprotective in their own parenting style.”
Your personality type could also come into play.
“I’ve seen a common trend of personality types practising lawnmower parenting styles, which are typically perfectionistic, overachieving, and/or anxious parents,” says Kitley.
“Parents are wired to want the best for their kids,” says Rankin. “It’s our job to keep our children safe, help them grow and set them up for a happy and successful life.”
Manly chimes in, saying, “it’s natural to want to share in a child’s success (and to opt-out of a child’s failures).”
The goal of lawnmower parents generally is to help their kids succeed. But what is success to you?
“Rather than being outcome-based, could that definition [of success] look like our children developing independence and resilience? Then we can shift our energies to helping them achieve that while allowing them to have their own experiences and resisting living our lives through them.”
“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practise any other virtue consistently”