Emotional Modelling
I worked at a school many years ago whose principal always said, "you don't find apples under pear trees!" This has stuck with me always not only in my role as principal but as a parent too.
When I see behaviours in my children, I need to understand where they have seen those and modelled them into their own repertoire of responses. Chances are they have seen these responses many times at home. This would be an apple under an apple tree. While many times this is a happy association there are those times when I know the behaviours they have adopted are not as ideal as I would hope them to be. So when I manage my emotions, feelings and behaviours appropriately my children see this whether I am aware at the time or not.
Children, it is often said, don't do what we say, they do what we do which is why you don't find apples under pear trees.
What is my point? It is hard to deal with feelings and emotions as an adult when we have words and understanding. How much more so for children. Mad, bad, sad and glad simplify the gamut we face, none better, none worse. It is only our perception of their acceptability that matters. Some people grow up believing anger is a bad emotion, unacceptable, a sign of ugliness. Some people feel sadness is a sign of weakness. I have no desire to debate the correctness of either, I merely want to encourage an understanding of the healthy development that comes from accepting our feelings and owning how much we influence our children's handling of theirs based on our handling of ours.
Dr Ashley Sonderlund puts it well, "Anger, like all emotions, has a function. It helps us show us what we believe in fighting for and what we see as injustice. Anger can also give us a sense of control, especially when we can't control other aspects of our environment. And it can even help to motivate us and promote our survival.
It is perfectly normal for children to feel anger too -- but children may struggle to express and manage their anger appropriately.
In fact, as adults, we can struggle with this too! All emotions can be helpful when they aren't TOO much. When the emotions are so big that they overwhelm the thinking brain, that is when you can have impulse control problems.
If your child lashes out or expresses anger too intensely, the first step is to realize that the anger itself isn't the issue, rather it is the amount of anger and the expression of anger that is usually the issue.
Thinking about anger in this way makes it so much more manageable than trying to get rid of anger (an impossible task!). Instead, think about it in two steps-- first, help your child recognize anger before it gets too big, and second, give them healthy ways to manage it.
There are several ways you can help your child learn how to manage their anger -- the first is to acknowledge it and recognize it -- it never ceases to amaze me how much this helps! Simply saying -- "wow that is frustrating" -- can immediately diffuse anger and frustration.
Then teach your child healthy ways to vent anger -- to work through it -- not stuff it down and avoid it or let it explode and hurt others or yourself -- to actually vent it and enjoy the calm that comes after the storm-- perhaps re-energized try to solve a problem or try something hard again. Remember, it isn't the anger that is the problem -- its how we view anger and how we handle the anger that can either be helpful or harmful."
“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach”