Do punishments and rewards take us where we really want to go?
I often find myself speaking to children about something I either do or don't need them to do. Regardless of which it is, these conversations inevitably go better and leave us all feeling better when threats, consequences and rewards are left out of it.
Alfie Kohn, American author and lecturer in education, parenting and human behaviour isn't convinced punishments (“consequences”) and rewards work.
He says, "Threats and bribes can buy a short-term change in behaviour, but they can never help kids develop a commitment to positive values. In a consequence-based environment, children ask, “What does she want me to do, and what happens to me if I don’t do it?” In a reward-based environment, they ask, “What does she want me to do, and what do I get for doing it?”
Says Kohn, "Notice how similar these two questions are. Rewards and punishments are really two sides of the same coin. Both different from what we’d actually like children to be thinking about: “What kind of person do I want to be?” or “What kind of environment do we want to have?”
He goes on, "To help kids engage in such reflection, we have to work with them rather than doing things to them. We have to bring them in on the process of making decisions about their learning and their lives. Children learn to make good choices by having the chance to choose, not by following directions.
"All of these “doing to” strategies are about demanding obedience, not about helping kids think their way through a problem — or pondering why what’s happening might even be a problem in the first place. What if we engage children in thinking for themselves, we can move away from consequences and rewards, this may be the best way to help kids grow into good learners and good people." (Read more about this topic: Discipline Is The Problem — Not The Solution By Alfie Kohn)
A move away from consequences and rewards, towards engagement and involvement, can increase the sense of accountability and responsibility most parents and educators want to instil in children. When children have been part of the process of making decisions, seeing which do, or maybe don't work, which feel authentic, or get them the desired outcome, on a micro level or for their family, class and school on a macro level, they automatically take responsibility because they have a sense of being a part of the process from the outset.
While all of this is well and good, we also have to as parents and educators, tread the line of knowing when it is appropriate to engage children in these processes and when it is okay to make these decisions for them. Engaging a child in a discussion about whether s/he wants to go to school isn't a time for choices. What the child is going to wear to school may be a more reasonable area to open up options.
The aim here is not to become a negotiator in everything you do. that is both exhausting and unrealistic. Rather, consider the outcome you hope to achieve and the environment you want to achieve it in. Ultimately, we want children who feel seen, safe, valued, empowered and at the same time accountable. But they need too, to be able to manage situations where choice and engagement are not options. So that when they can be part of decision making and do have the power to get involved and make choices, they have an understanding of what is important to consider and how to engage appropriately and healthily, this is the aim in my opinion.
“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm”