The 3 A's of Life
There is a life hack I came across some time ago, I am not certain of its origin but I am certain of its effectiveness. I use it myself and have recently seen its incredible value for parents and for children.
I speak often of allowing children to have feelings, naming and owning them. I have acknowledged too how difficult this can be, especially when we as adults don't always have the necessary skills to do this, even for ourselves. Parents often ask me what to do when their child hits or tantrums or any other behaviour that children (and adults too) display which say, "I am struggling right now".
Enter the life hack...the 3 A's of life.
Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
When children have feelings that they aren't equipped to handle or manage, they move straight into action. They hit, bite, lash out or tantrum. What we want to enable in them, is the ability to recognise and become aware of what in fact they are feeling, what is making them want to cry, scream or hit. We want to trigger their Awareness. This lets them see that they feel sad, mad, bad, glad or any other emotion on the feelings spectrum.
“Once we are aware of what we feel and accept these feelings, we can look at our options and choose how to respond, react, go forward.”
When a person understands what they are actually feeling, it is hugely comforting to allow themselves those feelings. to say I feel mad, bad, glad or sad without judgement. To accept that feelings, however uncomfortable, are not only a part of the human condition but are part of the beauty of being human. This is the Acceptance. It takes away the pressure of 'should' and 'must' and allows for honesty with ourselves as well as others about what we feel.
Once we are aware of what we feel and accept these feelings, we can look at our options and choose how to respond, react, go forward. This is the place where tantrums and aggression sit. They sit in our actions and when we don't understand what we feel or why we feel it and we judge ourselves, often harshly, for having these feelings at all, we act out in ways that are at times counterintuitive and usually counterproductive.
“Children know that tantrums and hitting are wrong, they hear it all the time, at school and at home. But they don’t always know how else to act.”
Children know that tantrums and hitting are wrong, they hear it all the time, at school and at home. But they don't always know how else to act. they don't know that you have options for different feelings. Once they have developed an awareness and acceptance around their feelings, we can help them work out what options they have to choose from, in how they respond. we give them control over their Actions. This is empowering and a skill that builds honesty and resilience. there is no worse feeling than feeling out of control or feeling like you have no choice, especially for children. By being explicit about our ability to choose our actions, we build trust and self-confidence and encourage accountability.
Picture a world with trusting, confident, accountable and aware people, big and small.
“Imagine a place where school is ‘ready’ for children not children ‘ready’ for school.”